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| ==post trump thanksgiving==
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| We thank our politicians for playing on our fears and delivering us the pablum of false hope. But most of all we prostrate our selves to you our god, all predator neoliberalconservatives who are all good and deserving of all our love. We firmly resolve with the help of thy grace to detest those different, to do for our own and forever battle each other instead of you, our gods. In the name of big business, wall street and the holy dollar, amen.
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| {{:to peri in df}}
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| ==rotten to the core==
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| 5/31/16
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| I feel awful. In the pit of my stomach an emptiness, a hollowness. I keep wanting to fill it with just the right food or the right drink but nothing is satisfying.
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| I am weary. I lack motivation and joy. I am sad.
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| I could get angry... much too easily. I breathe out and I feel shaky.
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| At their worst my dad was a mean alcoholic and my mom was just mean. I have not escaped.
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| My dad is dying and he is not dying well. It is not the hallucinations or the confusion but the anger and the bitterness. He is aggressive and uncooperative in his own care. We are going to have to abandon him.
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| I fear being abandoned. I fear dying badly.
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| My mom too has a simmering core of venom. It comes out in obsessive, petty and uncharitable ways.
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| I have an edge to me that is harsh and nasty. The edge is just outside of of the pit of my stomach. My body and mind exists between the edge and the pit.
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| ==conspiracy is too easy==
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| 3/4/8
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| Hi Noah, I was overhearing you and Peri last night.
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| What conspiracy?
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| Bush fully supports Columbia's democracy. The US supports the Cameroonian democracy. Aristide has gone crazy, was overthrown by the people. OK, truth is stranger than fiction. And it is weird that all good American's supports the lies. I mean, the west has always been more Enlightened. We deserve our position in the world.
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| The sad fact is that you and I both support this system. Like Cameroonians, paying of the military at the checkpoints just to get by, we have bought in too. Look at the tag on your shirt, your shoes, your phone,anything really. If people who made all of our shit were getting paid enough to lead a decent life, we'd be without our stuff. That's why any attempt around the world to distribute the wealth from the tiny slice 5%-10% of rich people like you and me to the majority always get shut down by any means necessary. Nothing is too far fetched, this isn't a conspiracy its just the normal course of business since the Crusades, since Portugal sailed to Africa in 1450. So the children of the privileged yell conspiracy, are ignored, it gets bigger in their minds. Call it conspiracy if you want, but don't get all weird about it.
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| You are going to have to get more comfortable with the contradictions in your life. You never need to accept them. You should probably take responsibility, though. You got to go to Cameroon, when it comes down to it, as part of the conspiracy to keep the status quo in Cameroon. Segregate off the rich into their own schools. Hire teachers from America who get to live large. They can even invite their families who can hire people to carry their shit. We watch soccer from our seats, drinking beer while people try get get a view from the street. Privileged Americans, young and old, looking for niches by a beach where their dollars go far. If we overthrow the world order we'd have to stay home, if we could keep ourselves warm enough.
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| So you make decisions amidst the contradictions. You get off your high horse. You do the best you can each day, try to take full advantage of the education you are being offered. Temper your rants knowing your own complicity. Grow up a little. Your mom and I grew up in a time just as weird. I felt the system didn't respect or value tradespeople so I became a carpenter partly as a rejection of those values. I hated high school, I think it helps me be a good teacher. Your mom never really trusted medicine but does good work as a nurse. Most experiments don't work out. Don't beat yourself up about it. Work hard then relax knowing you are doing what you can. Take up meditation, play ball, play music, watch movies, dance. Ease the mental rants, lessen you paranoia, clean your self up.
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| Talk to me.
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| Love, Dad
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| ==cheap bastard who has a father==
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| 7/15/7
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| Hi Ari,
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| Last night I got home at around 11 and a beer would have hit the spot. (There was lots here when I left.). I got in the evil twin and thought it was cool that it was getting used then I saw the dead empty gas tank. I thought back on the stuff you wanted put in the shopping cart that first night in Laguna then how you disappeared when it was time to pay. Natalie is always throwing something down, you almost never do.
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| # Pay Jim your share of the bar tab at the club for crissake ($30ea) and for the tickets ($25ea).
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| # I need that phone replaced as well. I asked you twice to check wherever you left it with no response. You owe me a Dash for T-Mobile. Buy it somewhere (Ebay) and send it before you go.
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| This would be the minimum you could do to retain any thread of the responsible trusted relationship thing with me. Are you always like this or is it just with me?
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| For a long time I have divided the world in a simple way; those I can do business with and those who I can't. I guess the most essential element is trust but acting responsibly follows close behind. I ran a business on trust and goodwill in an untrusting environment. We did alot for each other, a kind of synergy that increased our power. You need a truck, some equipment, a tool, a loan, a favor, a break, some help, a few of my guys, whatever it was you got it. Not everybody made the cut, some people had a short term view; you'd get the truck back with an empty tank, have to chase down your stuff, didn't get paid back... They were the guys who had a weird view of the world. They would throw in high bids just to see if they could get the job, do shoddy work, screw over their guys on pay day. Turns out they were in the majority, good solid Americans, out for personal advancement. Who can blame them. Everyone's hustlin right? I sense a little of that in you.
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| I found I needed to buy into some code of conduct because then life doesn't seem so much of a hustle, chaotic, selfish and stupid. It helps me handle the hustlers, not get depressed as much about the human condition.
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| As for you and me, here's how I see it. I'd like you to be in that group that I can do business with but you don't have to be. If not I'll just more and more shy away from having our relationship cross those paths. It's not really in your long term interest to head in that direction. I have too much to offer in that regard. I suggest you buy your way back in quick.
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| Love,
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| Dad
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